Missionary/Member Etiquette (for ward members)

This is an post that I originally wrote about a year ago, but thought it might be helpful to repost...

I came across a blog post called, Ten Little Points of Missionary Etiquette on the 'Mormon Insights' blog...This is a list of suggestions of things that we as members can do (or not do) to avoid unknowingly putting the full-time missionaries in awkward situations. For example, most people know that missionaries are required to keep "arm's-length" distance from people of the opposite sex, but many members don't feel like that counts if they're much older (or married) or if the missionary is about to be transferred - especially if they've worked closely with the missionary. Really, the rule applies to everyone...this prevents Elders and Sisters from needing to make constant judgement calls about who its ok to hug and who its not.

So, if I were to try to hug one of our Ward's full-time missionary Elders (no matter how innocent my intentions) it would create an awkward and potentially embarrassing situation for the Elder, who would have to make the choice to reject my hug (potentially offending me) or to have to break the rule because he didn't want to be rude.

I served a full-time mission as a young adult and I can relate to almost all of the items pointed out in the Ten Little Points of Missionary Etiquette article... I actually (jokingly) kept a mental list of all the platonic "hugs" that I got from male investigators, new members, branch presidents, etc. I was very serious about keeping mission rules, but sometimes it was just really awkward to reject something innocent like that from a tearful and well-meaning person (especially an elderly married man) on the day you're getting transferred.

This list isn't meant to make anyone feel bad, especially since many members do some of these things without realizing that they are either #1- against mission rules, or #2- may make the missionary feel uncomfortable. Its just meant to be a list of suggestions of things that you may not have thought about that you can do to help the full-time Elders or Sisters you work with concentrate on their work and spend less time being distracted.

Here is the list that the blog "Mormon Insights" gives, along with my comments added in red font:

1. Don't pay a compliment to one missionary without also paying a compliment to his/her nearby companion. Sometimes one missionary is very charismatic or good-looking and tends to get more attention than his/her companion, so its good to be sensitive to this.

2. When missionaries are paying a visit to your home, try your best to keep the televisions, radios, and computers off. This is so distracting when you're trying to keep the mission rules to not watch TV/movies, etc at all during your missionary service. Imagine if you were trying to avoid sweets and you went to a friend's house who had 100 cupcakes sitting on the table.

3. If missionaries are available to be invited to dinner, keep the visit under an hour. Its hard to leave when members/investigators want you to stay, but missionaries are usually taught to keep visits under an hour and they may have another appointment to get to. Every minute you keep them from their work is a minute that they could be finding someone new to teach.

4. Don't ask missionaries about their girlfriends or boyfriends back home. I know you're curious, but for someone who is trying to concentrate on the work, having people constantly bring up boyfriends/girlfriends can be hard. Especially if that significant other has recently dumped you via letter or email (happens a lot!). Imagine having people constantly bring the subject up when you're just trying to forget it.

5. When conversing with a missionary, try to keep conversations centered on Church-related or service-related issues.

6. Always respect the companionships of missionaries. Do not ask a missionary how well he or she is getting along with the assigned companion. (The missionary leadership will handle that question). Also, if they aren't getting along as a companionship or the missionary really can't stand his/her companion, they probably won't say so anyhow, which puts them in the awkward position of having to pretend that everything is peachy when they'd rather not discuss it with you.

7. Do not ask missionaries how many baptisms they have had. The number of baptisms is not an index of success. This is really an okay thing to wonder about, since we may be curious about how the missionary work is going in our area and throughout the mission. However, there are better ways to find out than to ask "How many baptisms?", which puts the focus on numbers. Here are some other ways you can ask essentially the same thing: "Have you been finding success in the area? (or "How was the work going in your last area?") or "What have been some of your favorite experiences with investigators so far?"

8. Do not expect missionaries to stay in contact with you after they have left an area or even after they have finished their mission service. Some missions have rules about whether missionaries can stay in contact with members in their former areas during the remainder of their missions. It may seem silly, but missionaries do need to focus on serving the members/investigators in their new area, so even if contact is allowed its best to keep it limited.

9. Do not call upon missionaries in Sunday School to provide scriptural support for some obscure doctrine that has been raised in class. The authority of missionaries is in missionary work, not in settling doctrinal debates. Most of the time they know the basics (thats what they study and that's what they are sent to teach), so don't assume that they are doctrinal experts.

10. Do not ask a Sister or an Elder for their first name. The first name is Sister or Elder. Period. I discovered on my mission that a lot of members think its fun to call full-time missionaries by their first name, even if its just in the member's home. They may mean well, seeing themselves as a parent-figure and wanting the missionary to feel a little more normal, but remember that the full-time missionaries go by their title for a reason - it helps them (and us) remember that they are set apart for a sacred mission)

Full-time Missionary Etiquette for Members

I came across a blog post called, Ten Little Points of Missionary Etiquette on the 'Mormon Insights' blog...This is a list of suggestions of things that we as members can do (or not do) to avoid unknowingly putting the full-time missionaries in awkward situations. For example, most people know that missionaries are required to keep "arm's-length" distance from people of the opposite sex, but many members don't feel like that counts if they're much older or if the missionary is about to be transferrd - especially if they've worked closely with the missionary. Really, the rules apply to everyone...this prevents Elders and Sisters from needing to make constant judgement calls about who its ok to hug and who its not.

So, if I were to try to hug one of our Ward's full-time missionary Elders (no matter how innocent my intentions) it would create an awkward and potentially embarrassing situation for the Elder, who would have to make the choice to reject my hug (potentially offending me) or to have to break the rule because he didn't want to be rude.

I served a full-time mission as a young adult and I can relate to almost all of the items pointed out in this article... I actually (jokingly) kept a mental list of all the platonic "hugs" that I got from male investigators, new members, branch presidents, etc. I was very serious about keeping mission rules, but sometimes it was just really awkward to reject something innocent like that from a tearful and well-meaning person on the day you're getting transferred.

This list isn't meant to make anyone feel bad, as many members do some of these things without realizing that they are either #1- against mission rules, or #2- may make the missionary feel uncomfortable. Its just meant to be a list of suggestions of things that you may not have thought about that you can do to help the full-time Elders or Sisters you work with concentrate on their work and spend less time being distracted.

Here is the list that the blog "Mormon Insights" gives, along with my comments added in red font:

1. Don't pay a compliment to one missionary without also paying a compliment to his/her nearby companion. Sometimes one missionary is very charismatic or good-looking and tends to get more attention than his/her companion, so its good to be sensitive to this.

2. When missionaries are paying a visit to your home, try your best to keep the televisions, radios, and computers off. This is so distracting when you're trying to keep the mission rules to not watch TV/movies, etc at all during your missionary service. Imagine if you were trying to avoid sweets and you went to a friend's house who had 100 cupcakes sitting on the table.

3. If missionaries are available to be invited to dinner, keep the visit under an hour. Its hard to leave when members/investigators want you to stay, but missionaries are usually taught to keep visits under an hour and they may have another appointment to get to. Every minute you keep them from their work is a minute that they could be finding someone new to teach.

4. Don't ask missionaries about their girlfriends or boyfriends back home. I know you're curious, but for someone who is trying to concentrate on the work, having people constantly bring up boyfriends/girlfriends can be hard. Especially if that significant other has recently dumped you via letter or email (happens a lot!). Imagine having people constantly bring the subject up when you're just trying to forget it.

5. When conversing with a missionary, try to keep conversations centered on Church-related or service-related issues.

6. Always respect the companionships of missionaries. Do not ask a missionary how well he or she is getting along with the assigned companion. (The missionary leadership will handle that question). Also, if they aren't getting along as a companionship or the missionary really can't stand his/her companion, they probably won't say so anyhow, which puts them in the awkward position of having to pretend that everything is peachy when they'd rather not discuss it with you.

7. Do not ask missionaries how many baptisms they have had. The number of baptisms is not an index of success. This is really an okay thing to wonder about, since we may be curious about how the missionary work is going in our area and throughout the mission. However, there are better ways to find out than to ask "How many baptisms?", which puts the focus on numbers. Here are some other ways you can ask essentially the same thing: "Have you been finding success in the area? (or "How was the work going in your last area?") or "What have been some of your favorite experiences with investigators so far?"

8. Do not expect missionaries to stay in contact with you after they have left an area or even after they have finished their mission service. Some missions have rules about whether missionaries can stay in contact with members in their former areas during the remainder of their missions. It may seem silly, but missionaries do need to focus on serving the members/investigators in their new area, so even if contact is allowed its best to keep it limited.

9. Do not call upon missionaries in Sunday School to provide scriptural support for some obscure doctrine that has been raised in class. The authority of missionaries is in missionary work, not in settling doctrinal debates. Most of the time they know the basics (thats what they study and that's what they are sent to teach), so don't assume that they are doctrinal experts.

10. Do not ask a Sister or an Elder for their first name. The first name is Sister or Elder. Period. I discovered on my mission that a lot of members think its fun to call full-time missionaries by their first name, even if its just in the member's home. They may mean well, seeing themselves as a parent-figure and wanting the missionary to feel a little more normal, but remember that the full-time missionaries go by their title for a reason - it helps them (and us) remember that they are set apart for a sacred mission)

Full-time Missionary "Friends"?

What is our relationship, as Ward-missionaries (or any other Ward member), to the full-time missionaries? Are they here to serve us, or is our role to serve them? Should we like a parent to them? A friend? A buddy?

As a full-time missionary, I felt that my role was to serve the Ward/area, primarily through proselyting (teaching) efforts, but also by helping encourage member-missionary work. If you think about it, the full-time missionaries assist the Ward's growth by helping to bring new members into the Ward family. It is then the Ward's responsibility to nurture the new member (and seek out and reactivate those who have fallen away). After all, the full-time missionaries always move on to another area and eventually go home, but the leadership and other Ward members are constant.

That said, I wanted to comment on a common problem that I've seen over the years- the gray-area of the missionary "buddy". As a full-time missionary, there is no argument that its nice to have members of the Ward where you are serving who are friendly and helpful. We have found that we have a better working-relationship with the full-time missionaries serving in our area if we are friendly and try to go out of our way to be helpful to them. After all, they are sacrificing to serve and are far from home/family. However, sometimes members (and even non-members) go too far with trying to be "friends". I sincerely believe that there is a line that should not be crossed. It kind of reminds me of parents who want to be the "cool mom" or the "fun dad" instead of providing structure and discipline. Full-time missionaries are warned against this, but Ward missionaries and other members need to be aware of the situation as well.

For example, during my own mission, when I was meeting a member family for the first time in a new area, the wife immediately told me that they were a "surrogate family to the missionaries" and that we were "welcome to hang out any time of the day or night" and to "make long-distance phone calls home to friends/family" from their phone whenever we wanted. "Don't worry," she said, "I won't tell on you*" Oh boy. I was very serious about the purpose of my mission and keeping the mission rules, so I was pretty shocked by what she said. Mostly because I could tell from how she worded her "offer" that there must have been plenty of full-time missionaries who had taken her up on it in the past.

Many times, these "buddies" are non-members (such as "perpetual investigators" who just like the missionaries' company). They may not be aware of (or totally understand) the mission rules and Church standards. Or maybe they know about them and don't care.

Unfortunately, there also seems to be one of these families/individuals who are members in many Wards as well. These people usually mean well, but may not be aware of how some of these things can actually be detrimental to the full-time missionaries. The main problem is the temptation. I can imagine that many missionaries who are sincerely trying to keep mission rules could be easily tempted by something like a bonus phone call home if they are having a hard day. Things like that are just temptation that servants of the Lord don't need.

Even if you don't totally understand or agree with the mission rules yourself, understand that the missionary has promised to keep those rules and breaking them compromise his/her integrity and the influence of the Holy ghost that they rely on to do their work. Since you're reading this blog, I'm sure you're interested in helping the missionaries and missionary work, so I'm sure I'm preaching the choir. However, as a Ward missionary (or other Church member) you may recognize this problem in your own Ward.

Our role isn't to be an "informant" with the mission-president on our speed-dial (in case we see the Elders walking in to their apartment at 9:01pm or something silly like that!), but we can be watchful and aware of serious situations that might need attention by the Ward mission leader, Bishop, or Mission President...depending on the situation (I suggest using the "chain of command" if you feel there is a situation that is serious - let your W.M.L. know and let him take it to leadership if that is appropriate).

Here are some of these things that I feel are appropriate or inappropriate, based on my personal experiences. Most of these things are usually meant to be helpful, but may do more harm than good:

APPROPRIATE: Signing up to have the missionaries over for dinner once or twice a month, if appropriate in your Ward.

INAPPROPRIATE (PROBABLY): Signing up to have the missionaries over for a meal every week or several times a week**

APPROPRIATE: Giving the missionaries a ride somewhere (if there is another adult of the same gender as the missionaries in the car)***

INAPPROPRIATE: Driving around with the missionaries for fun, running non-urgent errands with them on a non-"preparation day," giving rides very frequently (such as every day) when they should be walking/biking****

APPROPRIATE: Offering to let the missionaries use email or call family from your home on occasions approved by the Mission President.

INAPPROPRIATE: Offering to let the missionaries use email or call family from your home on occasions NOT approved by the Mission President.

APPROPRIATE: Providing extra groceries & household supplies to the missionaries, if appropriate to your financial situation.

INAPPROPRIATE: Offering to assist the missionaries in breaking mission rules (inappropriate phone calls, taking them out of area without permission, letting them watch TV/movies at your home, etc), no matter what your intentions.

APPROPRIATE: Offering to go to discussions or allowing the missionaries to have investigators discussions in your home (if there are an appropriate number of priesthood holders present)*****

INAPPROPRIATE: Assisting the missionaries in "hanging out" with members of the opposite gender, whether in your home or any other.

My main point is that its good to be friendly and helpful, but a true friend to the missionaries will help them with their work and not distract them from it. There are MANY positive ways that we can help, so lets concentrate on those!

*By the way, this is just one of my pet-peeves. If full-time missionaries keep the mission rules its because they choose to, not because someone forces them to.

**In some areas (such as those with small membership), multiple meals with the same family during the week/month could be appropriate. In general, providing meals is a responsibility that is meant to be shared across the Ward membership so that #1- any one family doesn't have an unfair financial responsibility for feeding them (even if it is well-intentioned) and #2- they don't become unnecessarily attached to a particular family that they may use as a crutch (instead of being out meeting new people or visiting other members). Check with your Relief Society President or Ward Mission leader for specifics for your Ward or branch.

***Many members are not aware of this, but full-missionaries are not to ride in a car with anyone (member or non-member) unless there is another adult of the missionaries' same gender in the car as well. This means that a single or married woman may not give any male full-time missionaries a ride unless there is another adult male (such as her husband) in the car (no matter how many other women or children are also in the car!). There isn't a double standard- the same thing applies to full-time sister missionaries (they are not to ride in a car with a man -whether single or married- unless there is another adult woman (wife, etc) in the car. Even age doesn't matter- thats right, its inappropriate for two male missionaries to get a ride to Church from their neighbor who is a 96 year old widow. This may seem silly in many cases, and means an inconvenience to the full-time missionaries in many situations, but please remember that the mission rules are there to protect the missionaries from situations that could arise. It would be awkward for male missionaries to say, "Sorry Sister-so-and-so, I know we were driven home by Sister-such-and-such yesterday, but we can't ride with YOU because YOU are younger and more attractive" So basically its a blanket policy to keep the rules clear and the same for everyone.

PS- My husband is the WML and he confirmed this with the local mission office - this is a Church-wide mission rule, not a rule just specific to our area/mission.

****I'm NOT talking about having a standing arrangement to drive the missionaries to Church every week. I'm talking about the "buddy" who the missionaries enjoy hanging out with and call every time they want a ride anywhere. The danger here would be with the tendency to avoid work and/or to rely too heavily on

one particular person instead of involving multiple Ward members in the work.

*****See "***" above - almost exactly the same rules apply to having the full-time missionaries in your home (or when they make visits to the homes of other members/investigators). To visit a single woman (or a married woman whose husband is not home), male full-time missionaries are to have an adult male priesthood holder with them. The only difference here is that they are to bring a priesthood holder (WML, male Ward missionary, or any other adult male priesthood holder) with them when visiting a woman. Full-time sister missionaries are not to enter the home of a man (single or married) when the wife is not present unless there is an adult male priesthood holder as well. So, basically the main difference between this and the car rule is that if they need to bring someone with them to visit a woman or man, it needs to be an adult priesthood holder.